A lot of my years went by, when I was busy feeling insecure about things that were not worth it. I never needed to be insecure about anything but the people on the TV told me about all of things I was not and somehow I started to feel different than others. What I didn’t know back then was, everybody was conscious about them at that age and they didn’t have the time to think about anyone else except themselves. During puberty, my body was changing and I never knew what to expect, because I was never given the “talk”. I think I would have been able to handle things much better if I had know what I was going through or about to. Still, limping through the long road, I never lost my balance. There were a lot of moments which seemed embarrassing to me at the time but when I think of it now, it wasn’t. I always exaggerated things and that to, in my mind only and I never talk about it to anyone.
I was never told “You are beautiful” and when puberty hits, the only thing one wants is, to be beautiful. I kind of started to believe that I was not pretty and I was not worth anything or anybody’s love. In my school life, there was always buzz about ‘the couple’ or someone having crush on someone. I kind of learned from seeing family discussions, that it is not good to have relationships at a young age and those who have it, are not considered good and sober kids, so, I never thought about dating. I never liked gossip about me so, I avoided these things and come to think of it, those were juvenile relationships and none of those people are happy about their past decision, if you ask them now. But as I am growing up, I want to date someone, do new things every weekend, not just waste my time sitting and scrolling through YouTube videos. Even though I want to talk to someone, I just build my walls higher, thinking what’s the point of sharing something personal? I go with the mantra ‘You should not let anyone in.’
Love is still a cringy thought for me, because I don’t have much good examples around me to support this “Beautiful Feeling”. I think it will take a lot of time for me to get used to the thought of loving someone because nobody told me that loving someone is good. How can I speak a language that I never learnt?
The society where I live in, have so many taboos and so many ‘talks’ behind the close doors and the old generation is teaching the next generation all those things that are outdated and stopping the next generation from doing so many things. Because of these things and stupid standards, I didn’t feel good in my skin for a very long time. I used to look in the mirror and cry asking myself “Why are you not pretty? Why are you ugly?”. I get that, they have seen and has experience with the world, but sorry to break it to the old people, the experiences they have, the next generation will never have. This world we are living in, is ever-evolving. So please, stop telling the kids “Feeling is bad. You should be modest. Don’t let the secrets out. Don’t talk about your feelings because ‘What will people say?’”. The way a kid is socialized, makes a big impact on his coming life, because he believes in those beliefs even though they are bogus.
I am lucky enough to see the beauty in me now. I don’t stand in front of the mirror and cry. Now I smile and wonder “How can I be so beautiful?”. It really is about, what you think about yourself, and what kind of people you are surrounded by, because at a young age, where you believe in magic and fairies, you believe the hurtful lies people tell you and sometimes, those people are your own people and that shit hurts, when you are reminded of what useless trash you are, everyday. I really believe, being kind is not much on our part, but it can mean the world to someone. So, next time, when someone tries to put you down, reply with a “Thank You” and I can guarantee you, it will piss them off. You are not entitled to take people shit's, and stop that person at the moment, so they know how to behave from next time.
It almost took me all of my teenage years to feel good in my skin and I always felt that I was alone and was the odd one out but to someone, who is reading this, and feeling the same too, I want to tell you that you are not alone.We all feel the same feelings, be it happy, sad, useless, ugly, anxious, just at different times. I wish somebody told this to my younger self, what I am saying to you "You are not alone. We are in this together! and you are the most beautiful person I know!"
Writer: Anushka Kaushik
Beautiful
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